Upside-Down Independence Day by Gregg Sapp

Author:Gregg Sapp
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: 4th of July, Independence Day, humor in fiction, satire in fiction, best contemporary literary fiction, holidays, humorous and satirical fiction
Publisher: Evolved Publishing LLC
Published: 2020-05-26T16:00:00+00:00

Burl Slocum’s first principle of good dietary health was that the body required constant nourishment. Thus, rather than the customary three meals per day, Burl’s daily intake included designated midmorning, midafternoon, before-bed, and midnight snacks. If he missed any one of those, his mental and emotional well-being quickly declined. He generally took his midafternoon repast at the Hungry Coon Diner.

“Tuesday usual?” Edith asked when Burl arrived at the diner.

“It’s Tuesday, isn’t it?”

The second principle of Burl’s regimen was that adhering to a consistent menu for each day of the week helped to promote equilibrium. On Tuesdays, Burl dined on swine; hence, his midafternoon mainstay was a pulled pork sandwich platter.

Burl also valued regularity in his personal habits, so for each day of the week, he sat in a different booth at the diner. This provided him with both consistency and variety. Folks knew his proclivities so well that nobody sat in Burl’s prescribed booth on its designated day, and Edith had his place set before he even showed up. As Burl took his seat in his Tuesday booth, he noticed a newspaper that somebody had left behind on the counter; he snatched it and took it with him.

Edith brought the coffee pot. “That fancy pie lady from Golden Springs was here and dropped that on her way out the door. Ever since, customers have been passing it around.”

“Is that so?” Burl unfurled the paper while Edith poured his coffee.

It had been a long time since Burl had read the Golden Springs Gazette. It always aggravated him because it was a tool of the leftist media, but it occasionally amused him in the same way that watching somebody slip on a banana peel was funny. Only in Golden Springs would free massages, a candlelight vigil for the Dalai Lama, or meeting notes from the Diversity Book Club make the headlines. What a bunch of rubes!

Edith brought Burl’s platter. “Any good news in there?” she asked.

“Yes. Good for nothing.”

Burl chewed vigorously while reading. He skimmed headlines, then read a paragraph or two before deciding if an article was worth his time. On the editorial page, a headline caught his eye, “To Embrace the Future, Purge the Past.” He stopped chewing, the better to focus. He disagreed with it so ardently that he couldn’t quit reading, much as he’d have liked to. It was another one of those self-righteous rants written by an elitist asshole who thought he knew better than everybody else. This was just more proof to Burl’s theory that there was a direct correlation between higher education and idiotic opinions. It made Burl proud of his high school education.

When he finished his lunch, Burl took the newspaper with him. He had an idea he wanted to try out on a certain gang of people, and he knew just where to find them.

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